Coming Out

Well, at least one of em knows now

2004-04-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

I went home to tell my parents that I'm gay, but I'm only halfway there. But that's OK, because other than that it went great! When I got home on Saturday, only my mom was home. I had only been there a couple of minutes before she said, "Well, what's this you have to talk about? Out with it!" I started to get a little nervous and kind of changed the subject by talking about how I'd forgotten to bring the music for the new song I was learning on the piano. I sat down and played a song, and then my mom was still sitting there waiting for me to tell her what I was talking about in the email earlier. So I played another song. Playing the piano relaxes me.

After that, my mom asked me if I was having trouble in school. No, mom, that's not it. Then she asked me if I was having major financial problems or anything. No, mom, that's not it either. I couldn't bring myself to just tell her, but I did say that it was pretty big news, and my voice started to crack. My mom then became quite concerned and asked me if I was OK. By this point, we were both starting to get a little emotional, and I started saying "This is so hard..." We were both crying for a little while, and my mom said "Please tell me."

I tried and the words wouldn't come out. She asked me if she should guess and I told her "No, I can tell you. I don't want to have to guess." I kept trying for what seemed like eternity, and then she said "Are you sure?"
"Yes mom, I'm sure," I replied. The she said she didn't know what exactly we were talking about. I gathered myself, and a few moment later blurted "Mom I'm gay." I kind of lost it for a little bit right after that, and we just hugged for a while. Then she asked me how I knew. "I just do, mom, I just do," I said.

"But you've had girlfriends, and were almost engaged, how can you be?"
"I know, mom, I tried so hard, I tried so hard to be straight, but I'm not"

We were both still crying a little, and my mom asked me a few more questions. She wanted to know if this was permanent. I told her it was. She told me that I would've made such a wonderful husband and father. I wanted to tell her that I still can be a wonderful husband and father, but she wasn't ready to hear that. She asked me why people are gay, what makes them gay? I told her that no one knows for sure exactly, and that it's probably a mixture of things, including genetics. For some reason I remembered a study done with twins that grew up separately and told her about that. I assured her that she couldn't look back on the past and say "what did I do wrong."

We were both still pretty emotional at this point and she told me that we should wait to tell my dad. I said that it was fine if she wanted to wait for a while. We were hugging and I broke down and said that all I wanted was for them to love me. She grabbed me, held me tight and said that she would always love me no matter what and we both cried pretty hard right then. That was the most emotional moment, and it's making me cry right now just thinking about it. That was all I needed to hear.

After this we both sat down to talk some more. Niether of us were crying anymore, just talking. She admitted that after I told her that what I had come to talk about had nothing to do with school or finances, she thought that maybe I'd tell her I was gay. She was really upset that I wouldn't have the typical wife, kids, "normal" family. I told her that I had had issues with that too when I was coming to terms with myself. The she said, "But it's so dangerous!" Not knowing exactly what she was referring to, I said "No, there is nothing dangerous about being gay." She couldn't get over the physical aspect me being gay. She said she couldn't imagine me doing "those things," so I told her not to imagine it. As it turns out, she thought that all gay people did some pretty freaky things in the bedroom. My uncle is a doctor, and she mentioned the things he had seen, referring to the one story about how he had treated someone that had some strange object lodged, well you know where. I explained that I knew a lot of gay people, and none of them that I knew considered anything like that to be normal or something they would do. I think it's gonna take some time before she is comfortable thinking about me having a boyfriend. We talked for a little while longer, I don't even remember exactly what all we said. Then my mom said she wanted to go outside and go for a canoe ride.

After we had our boots on and went outside, we walked around the yard for a bit with my mom showing me the new trees she'd planted and what her plans were for the patio garden area. The she made a wise crack about how I'd probably be able to help her out with the garden and house plans since I'm surely good at decorating and designing. We both laughed, and she said she was just kidding. She knows that I have no taste. We went canoeing on our pond, and then after that went inside to get dinner ready and wait for my dad to get home. It was a very emotional experience, but it was so nice to finally be able to be totally honest with my mom. I had explained that I had to tell her, because I didn't want to wait until I was 35 or 40 and have her miss out on so much during that time, and there was no point in waiting since it obviously insn't going to change. My mom is awesome. My dad is awesome too, and I feel bad that I didn't tell him, but that's going to have to happen soon. I'm gonna talk to my mom tommorow about it. I guess that's it, I know I left stuff out, but it's late and I don't feel like thinking too hard right now. I'll post more tommorow.

2004-04-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

So I did talk to my mom today. She didn't seem to be too worried or anything, and just wanted to know when I'd be arriving. I just got back from the barbeque. There were quite a few people there. It was encouraging to see this because I've heard from one of my friends that the old BGLS club that QSA replaced was really small and not very active. The local community perceptions seem to be rapidly changing also. I feel lucky to be coming out in a time where there is more support and acceptance than ever. After talking to my mom today, I'm less nervous somehow. I've been talking to my freinds about telling my parents tommorow also, so that's helped. This will probably be my last post until Sunday, and I'll give you all an update then. I'm excited!

I'm nervous

2004-04-23T02:17:00.000-05:00

My parents read the email I sent at around 5 or 5:30 yesterday. I had to work at 6(I was half an hour late, oops!), so that gave me an excuse to not answer my phone when they called. I could have answered, but for some reason I didn't. I just want to tell them in person for some reason. Anyway, I've set my alarm to get me up early tommorow and I'm gonna call my parents then. I'll let you know how that goes. I just can't wait for this to happen, I so want them to know, but at the same time I kind of want them to guess. I'm not counting on that though, because they do know that I've been with girls. My friends that I've told so far have been quite surprised, but parents usually know a lot about their kids. I just don't know. I was going to go to Borders or Barnes and Noble today to buy a couple of books to give to my parents, but they didn't have anything in stock that I wanted. I guess they don't figure there are too many gay people coming out in Kansas, and I suppose they're probably right. Still, it would be nice if they would have something. Tommorow night I'm going to a barbeque organized by the QSA (Queer Straight Alliance) here at K-State. Unfortunately, the weather doesn't look like it will cooperate, so we might end up just going to one of my friends apartments and hanging out there. It will be fun either way. Wow, I just can't wait for Saturday to get here. No matter how my parents react, I'll be happy for them to know. Really, a person's sexuality is a big part of them, and I feel like my parents don't really even know who I am. We talk a lot and everything, but do they really know their son? Not yet.

No going back now

2004-04-22T02:12:00.000-05:00

I just sent an email to my parents. After the send button was clicked, I knew that there is no going back now. I am coming out to my parents on Saturday. I was kind of vague in the email, and I hope they don't worry. Anyway, here is what I wrote:

Subject: This weekend

Hi parents! I'm going to come home on Saturday. I just wanted to send this email though to let you know that we're going to have to talk when I'm there. I know everytime we talk on the phone and stuff and you ask me how I'm doing, I always say "Fine." But that's not really the truth. I've been struggling lately. Now don't get too worried or anything, because overall I really am doing fine, but this past year really has been very hard. We just have some things to talk about, that's all. I hope this email doesn't alarm you or anything, I don't want you to worry. I guess I don't really know what else to say, but I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I'll talk to you later.

Love,

Michael

I didn't really take the time to try to come up with a good email. I just sat down and typed it out really fast and then hit send. So now it's done. Perhaps I should have waited to send this, as I know I'll be hearing from them on the phone tommorow. They're gonna ask me all kinds of stuff. They might even ask me if I'm gay, and if they do I'm just gonna say yes. I would rather tell them in person somehow, but I had to send this email though. If I didn't, then I could easily see myself going home and deciding to just wait a little while longer. Damnit, I don't want to wait any longer, I want them to know NOW! So, I guess we'll just see. Things are gonna be very interesting during these next few days. By the way, PFLAG rocks! I know that they will be there for both me and my parents for support. Wow, I just felt some butterflies in my stomach, I must be nervous. It's too bad this blog is so new, cause I don't think anyone is actually reading yet, but if you are, wish me luck!

2004-04-21T04:24:00.000-05:00

So I got a call back from the PFLAG people. I talked to a guy from PFLAG while I was at work tonight. I now have contact numbers for my parents to call and a little advice from someone who has been through this already. I'm gonna email my parents to let them know that we have to have a talk on Saturday. That way I can't back out. Although it's scary, I feel that I have built up a wonderful support network so that I will be OK no matter how my parents react. I went out with some of the gay boys tonight in Aggieville(the local bar district). There are no gay clubs here, so we have to blend in with the straight crowd. I really wish there was one bar out there that would have a gay night or something. Oh well, tommorow, it's off to Flanigan's again, and this time we're not gonna hit a deer, cause I'm driving damnit!

Bad day

2004-04-20T13:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah, for some reason I'm having a really bad day. The thing is, I found out I don't work this weekend, so I've made up my mind that I'm going home and I'm gonna tell my parents I'm gay. Right now I'm scared shitless. About 20 min. ago, I just broke down here in my apartment and started crying. This is gonna be hard, but I have to tell them, SOON! I called a number for the closest PFLAG chapter to my parents yesterday and just left a message. They didn't call back yet, so I sent them an email too. If I don't hear from them today, I'm gonna call the KC chapter tommorow. I just want to make sure I can have some resources available for my parents if they want them. I have no idea how I'm gonna tell them. I shouldn't be this scared, but I really am. Maybe I'll just walk in and say "Hey dad, I'm a damn queer!" since I've heard him refer to gay people with that phrase many times. My parents really are wonderful people, and I know they both love me so much, and I know that they are still going to love me. But still. Even though I'm scared, I can't wait for Saturday. It will be such a relief.

OK, enough about my past

2004-04-19T02:39:00.000-05:00

So, things have been changing a bit here at the Coming Out blog. I discovered that it is very easy to change the layout of blogs and add things like comments. I'm gonna upgrade this to a blogspot plus account as soon as that option becomes available again. I'm still getting things all worked out, and eventually I'm just gonna design and write the code for my very own unique blog, but until then, I'm using someone else's creation.

Anyway, my weekend was pretty fun. On Friday, Neal and I got drunk together. Our friends were supposed to call us to go to a party, but we never heard from them until midnight, and by that time we were already drunk. It was fun just hanging out with him anyway. Ever since I've started hanging out with a new crowd I've been going out and partying way more than I'm used to. I feel like I'm 21 again. Of course, 24 really isn't much different than 21, but my body isn't used to all this drinking and partying.

The next day I was up early to call my parents and see if I could visit them that day to switch cars so mine could be looked at by our mechanic. Unfortunately, my backup car had a bad alternator, so that will have to wait for next weekend. So Saturday night rolls around and I end up going to another party. They had a trampoline! Yay! We got to bounce around and feel like kids again. Later on that night, a big group of people including me ended up on the trampoline. Before long, someone got a little frisky and felt up some straight guy that was there. A minute later, everyone had gotten to cop a feel. Things went downhill from there. Silly gay boys. I must be shy, because my hands were staying put. At least it made for an interesting night. So that was my wonderful weekend!

Continuing...

2004-04-17T04:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, and now the rest of the story(in my best Paul Harvey voice)...

So, I was closeted during high school. Because of this, I didn't have problems with being teased or anything, and people actually liked me. I mean, who doesn't like a wonderful gay man like myself? So anyway, I was popular and actually enjoyed my high school experience, even though it was with a bunch of very sheltered redneck type people. Rednecks aren't all bad you know. Next came college.

I went to KSU because I could afford it. I had some opportunities to go to other more elite type schools, but even with scholarships, I still would have been spending way more than I could afford. I really wanted to go somewhere farther away and out of state, but oh well, K-State seemed like a fun place, and they did have a good engineering program. After being at K-State for a while, I discovered IRC. Using the mIRC program, I was able to chat in the #gaykansas channel. Yes, this was way back in the dark ages before gay.com chat for all you younguns out there. I chatted quite a bit, and after I while, I decided to actually meet somebody in person. He was a nice guy and we talked for a while. We ended up fooling around a little. Afterwards, I felt really weird. I can't even describe it, I was just confused and happy and sad and all sorts of other emotions thown in there all at once. I thought that maybe all I needed was just one experience to get it out of my system, but deep down I knew that wasn't true.

So, I kept chatting and met a few other guys, and then along came "Natalie"*. My first college girlfriend, if you could really call her that. We met at a party, and then the next week we went out together. She got really drunk that night and humped my leg. Really humped it. Hard. Until she had an orgasm. We still were fully clothed by the way. I was like, ummm, what the hell are you doing? We only dated for a short period, but we did end up having sex, without protection even (I was soooooo incredibly stupid) , it was my first time with a woman. All the parts functioned as they're supposed to, and yet I could tell something wasn't right. I still thought that maybe I could live a heterosexual life though.

The next year I was a party animal, going out all the time, and amazingly never telling anyone my big secret. I lived in a scholarship house with 35 other guys, and I definitely didn't want to deal with all of them knowing about me. Once I had a close call when my roommate found some incriminating gay stuff on my computer, but I just denied it. He still doesn't know I'm gay. I should tell him. The next chapter of my life really began when I was a junior and this freshman from the girls scholarship dorm met me. This was a very long chapter of my life.

"Nicky"* was quite aggressive and before you knew it we were making out one night when I was drunk. I didn't really want it to happen and I was embarrassed about the whole incident. And yet, she pursued me, and I somehow was receptive to her advances. She is very good at getting what she wants, and at the time she wanted me. Nicky was really cool and I feel absolutely awful for deceiving her. I'd like to think we both have some good memories from the relationship though, even though it was doomed before it even started. We started dating in like October or November and before you knew it I was in a 3 year relationship thinking yeah, I can pull this off.

A little less than 2 years ago, Nicky and I decided to move into the same apartment, along with one of our friends. This actually ended up being a good thing, because as many people know, living together can cause relationships to deteriorate. Although it was oblivious to me at the time, this started happening with us. Then, luckily, after a 3 year relationship, she decided she liked one of my best friends better and started hanging out with him all the time. Very soon after, our relationship came to a blissful end. 3 years is a very long time to date someone that you're not physically attracted to, and that you know things will never work out with. I guess I just got comfortable in my situation, which I let myself do too often. Most of my friends were quite surprised that I wasn't upset. Sometimes I would try to be, but really I was just elated that it was all over. I could finally just be gay and forget about trying to date women.

I'd love to tell more, but I have to get some sleep now. I'm not really gonna go into a whole lot more detail on my past, as I plan to write a more comprehensive history of how I came to discover my sexuality some other time. From here on out I'm just gonna kind of skip ahead to what's going on now.

*- These names have been changed because these people don't know that I'm gay, and I don't have their permission to use their names on this site.

OMIGOD We hit a f***ing deer!

2004-04-15T07:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right, on the way back from the gay bar tonight, err, last night, we hit a deer. I was gonna write more about my past, but this is too urgent! I feel so bad. I was supposed to drive, but at the last moment, one of my friends offered to drive, so I went with him. It was an awesome night of shirtless dancing, and everything was going great. Then we left the bar.

We were cruising down I-70 at about 75 mph when a fawn with a death wish jumped the median right in front of the car. No chance to miss it, we smashed right into the thing. After we pulled over, my friend heroically(is that a word?) jumped out of the car and pulled the carcass to the shoulder, getting deer blood all over himself in the process. We had to wait a little while for a highway patrolman to get there. Once he did, I had to pee, but I didn't want the patrolman to see and think we were all just a bunch of drunks or something. So, I walked a ways up to our other friends car who had stopped after the accident and tried to clandestinely pee there.

The whole front of the car was smashed in, and a tow truck was called. We were right outside Topeka, 50 min from home. The tow truck driver dropped us off at a Wal-Mart, and we had to wait there for over an hour waiting for one of our friends to get home and come back for us. It was kind of fun screwing around at Wal-Mart, but I felt so bad for my friend. He is definitely in a bad way financially now. I'm gonna help him out as much as I can.

We got back to Manhattan around 6 AM. My friend had to work at 7, so I hung out with him at his place and gave him a ride to work. Then I went to McDonalds for breakfast, and now I'm here. Bleh, 7AM and I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep at all today. What a night. It's weird, I haven't had a drink in many hours, and yet I feel kinda drunk. I think it's just still a rush from the whole incident. Anyway, that was my wonderful night, I might try to get a little sleep now, and give an update later on today.

P.S. If anyone can give me some pointers to help out the construction of this blog, like adding comments for the posts and adding some kind of counter, email me

In the beginning

2004-04-14T15:05:00.001-05:00

I suppose I need to start this thing off by giving a little background about myself. I am a 24 y.o. gay man attending Kansas State University. I've begun the whole coming out process, but still no one in my family knows. That is likely to change in the near future, though, and I'll be sure to post all about it here.

I've always sort of known that I was gay, or at least different. I've been attracted to guys for as long as I remember. That would probably be enough for most people to really question their sexuality. I never really gave it any thought until high school though. I guess I was just hoping it would go away. I really didn't want to be gay. I mean, I wasn't like those guys.

By my junior year in high school, I had pretty much decided that I was probably gay, or bisexual, or something. Even though deep down I was pretty sure that I was gay, I didn't really feel like telling anyone. I lived in a very small town with around 800 people, and I just didn't see any point in letting anyone know. I would have been ridiculed, beat up, and god knows what else. I actually think I made the right decision in not telling anyone during high school. The community was so homophobic that it really could have been a very dangerous situation.

I was lucky that I hadn't been brought up in a religion that taught that homosexuality is an abomination and that gay people are going to burn in hell. Religion was just something that was never even discussed while I was growing up. I think my mom might believe in god, I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't, but who really knows? Anyway, I think this is a big reason that I have never gone through any sort of self-loathing period.

OK, there is so much more to this story, but I'm gonna be late for work if I don't leave now. I know this post is a bit all over the place, but I promise the ones in the future will be better when I actually have time to form coherent thoughts. More to come tommorow...